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- Four Narcissistic Conversational Tactics to Confuse & Control - How to Spot Them and How to Defuse Them
Four Narcissistic Conversational Tactics to Confuse & Control - How to Spot Them and How to Defuse Them
The goal of this article is to help you recognize these behaviours or patterns, provide some thoughts on distinguishing whether they are malicious or helpful and tell you how to defuse/respond to them
Table of Contents
Introduction
I must start this article with a confession: the headline of this article is pure click bait. If I were in high school my English teachers would have a conniption. You see it is a lie. This article is actually about tactics commonly abused by narcissists in conversations, often the tactics themselves are used by all sorts of communicators in many different contexts. Tactics or patterns themselves aren’t usually narcissistic, it’s how they’re applied.
No behaviour without context is inherently narcissistic. And like Zeno’s paradox, and obscenity, we know it when see it but damned if we can define the point at which it occurs. The general guideline is that if behaviours are used repetitively and strategically to evade accountability, protect ego, or control narrative and perception and this is done at the cost of another persons clarity, autonomy, or emotional balance - then the behaviour is being utilized in a narcissistic way.
The goal of this article is to help you recognize these behaviours or patterns, provide some thoughts on distinguishing whether they are malicious or helpful and tell you how to defuse or respond to them.
If you suspect someone is using these techniques you need to identify the technique. Then you need to determine if it is being used in a healthy or abusive way. And finally you need to defuse them.
Identify the conversational tactics narcissists use to confuse and control.
Distinguish them from healthy, assertive communication.
Defuse the tactics in real time.
Word Salad
“If you can’t convince, confuse.” - Sales manager for a major insurance company.
Word salad is when someone uses pseudo-reasoning, often emotionally charged, which creates the illusion of depth or value while distorting and distracting from the key point(s). It’s distraction by word splatter.
Ideas may be incoherent, illogical and/or disorganized. The speaker will often go on tangents, use self referential definitions and circular logic. It’s confusion masked by fluency that makes it hard to follow the logical progression of ideas so the brain just presumes as long as there is a degree of smoothness and a predictable pace it must be okay. It often involves blending unrelated or just irrelevant topics, shifting definitions and dense vocabulary without a clear logical structure.
Some people naturally process ideas out loud in non-linear ways especially during creative thinking, high emotion, or cognitive overload. Neurodivergent speakers may appear disorganized without intending to manipulate. The key distinction is: are they trying to clarify or confuse?
When is it abusive?
It’s abusive when used to derail, overwhelm, or bury the original issue under an avalanche of verbosity.
How you can defuse it: Interrupt gently but firmly. “There’s a lot being said — let’s pause and go back to the original point.” Ask for one, single, clear answer or claim at a time. The key here is you want to slow them down and narrow the focus of the conversation to what is relevant. You can also ask someone to pause as there’s too much information and summarize what they’re about to tell you in 2 or 3 sentences before going back to the explanation.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that targets the victims sense of reality. Someone insists upon an obvious lie being true. They deny something they clearly said or did or that you witnessed so as to make you question your memory, perception, or emotional response. Gaslighting is when you try to convince someone, falsely, that their accurate perceptions were incorrect.
When it’s not abusive: Gaslighting is almost always abusive. However, what isn’t abusive that can be mistaken for gaslighting is when two people genuinely remember things differently and one tries to convince the other of their point of view. Memory is increibly fallible and we all interpret, store and recreate things differently. One simple test is how the potential gaslighter reacts to challenges of their position, do they slow down and compare notes or do they double down, react in an emotionally aggressive way and try to place or shift blame?
Abusive use: It’s used to avoid accountability, rewrite history, and gain control. It makes the other person feel confused, guilty, or mentally unwell.
Defuse: If you’re dealing with someone who has a habitual pattern of gaslighting start writing things down, document little things that may come up and using the documentation to make your points. his is more useful in a professional setting but applies ever. The bottom line is if someone in your life does this distance yourself, put up whatever barriers you can and document, document, document.